Photograph by Denise Beckwith
“My parents rented me to others, who abused me. My mother said they should stop because I was starting to talk and because I was too little, I would not know what I can tell others what was happening. My father got really angry because he said that I would cost them more than they earnt from me, and so he had to kill me because there shouldn’t live any unproductive people. When I had to go to school, he talked about to kill me because he was afraid I would tell anybody something.
We were a well-off family, more than all our relatives. I think my father was what you call today a lover boy, a special kind of pimp. He tells young girls he loves and he had debt and she has to be a sex worker to pay his debt. And he often has two three of these girls and they believe that he loves her. I think my mother was also prostituted, because after she died he told me ‘I know where you come from, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’
My father thought he could get 80’000 or 100’000 demark for my virginity. I did a lot to lose my virginity without money and he get really angry about that I really don’t know how I didn’t become a sex worker for him, but I was unruly, I have such a character.
The memories of my abuse are strong but I didn’t I have to read books about abuse to interpret it. I wake up in the night remembering that I cannot breathe because something is in my mouth and now I have a problem. I know they took photos too.
I worked for years to put all these puzzle pieces together and to understand them. It took me years. I have had many therapists and they say they understand but they don’t. My physical disability impacts on me more now, because of the stress of feeling I have to prove that the abuse happened.”
- Sara Code, Germany 2017